I've tried to blog about leaving and to give some final thoughts for the past few days. I don't know if the universe knew better, but something would always get in the way. My computer crashed. The other house's power went out. The vans came to pick us up early. Regardless, I was never able to articulate what I was feeling about leaving, and now I think that it was a good thing. There were, and are, so many things to sort out in my mind. But there are some things that are burning a little bit brighter in my memory, and I think they are the ones that are the most worth mentioning.
My words will never do them justice, but the most important part of my experience was the people that I shared it with. I have been fortunate to meet some pretty amazing people in my life, but this group seriously takes the cake. I have never been surrounded by so many insightful, wise, daring, intriguing, passionate (word chosen carefully), and all around caring people all at one time. I have learned something from each and every one of them, and they have all shaped this experience in more ways than they know. Each one of them sort of completes me a bit, so I've decided to refer to them as my 17 soul mates (this is including Aaron, just so that there isn't any confusion). I think that they know why. I thank them all.
Secondly, I need to mention a little something that we've started to call "the love". South Africa is just overflowing with the love. It would be incorrect to say that things there are wonderful. To say that apartheid is over would be a ridiculous statement. To say that there is no fear, no violence, would be an outright lie. All of the evils of any world exist in South Africa as well. But there is a little light that shines just a little bit brighter there. An intangible feeling that was just inescapable, especially in Gugulethu. It was the love. The love for life, the love for each other, the love for faith, and most importantly the hope. I am doing my very, very best at this moment to bring some of the love back with me. I hope that I can share it with all of you.
In South Africa I got a tattoo. I mention this not only because it's awesome (although it is) but rather because I think that its significance says a lot about my experience. The tattoo that I chose to get is actually a doodle from Maryam's journal that I kind of stumbled upon when we were at Thobeka's house in Gugs. It's the silouhette of a woman dancing, and you can just feel the movement in it.
For me, this tattoo serves multiple purposes. First, she symbolizes the importance that I put on the term "freedom". Not freedom like we normally think of it, but freedom of self. The freedom to have an opinion, to let yourself have an experience, to open yourself up and to grow. South Africa has shown me all of these things, and made me realize just how important to me they are. Secondly, She's moving in a way that is so carefree- a quality that I have never possessed but am determined to achieve. My time in South Africa and the things that I have seen have shown me that there is no need to worry. Life works itself out even in the most despairing of times, and I hope to continually remind myself of that. Most importantly, my tattoo reminds me of where I've been and why I chose to get her. She is a piece of my time in SA that I can take with me always, that will never leave my side. Every time someone sees her they'll ask about her, and I will be forced to remember. I'll be brought back to this pivotal time in my life- the emotions, feelings, the memories, events, people and places- and I will never, ever be able to forget.
I am so afraid to forget. Even in these past few hours, part of me has started to fade. I've laughed with my sister, eaten Chipotle, and watched tv. Nothing too out of the ordinary, but that's almost the problem. This world is exactly the same. I feel like I'm already settling in. I'm going to choose to blame it on the jet lag, my lack of sleep, and my emotional roller coaster that I've been riding for three weeks. I'm telling myself that right now I'm just not equipped to process everything that has happened. But I recognize that I need to be careful. I need to make sure that everything that I've learned and experiences doesn't ever leave my heart, or my mind.
So next time you see me, ask me about my tattoo. Don't let me forget, don't let me digress to the person I used to be. Ask me about her, and listen when I tell my story.
I just want to say thank you for reading about my experiences. I apologize for my lack of fluidity, continuity and probably my lack of insightfulness from time to time. But just knowing that someone back home was learning from what I did has made all the difference. Much thanks, and much love.
-Elisa
No comments:
Post a Comment